The Woes of Being Rosetta Stone
by The Mocking J
Summary: Rosetta has a problem... Make that several problems. And you, like, totally have to listen to her.
1. Dealing with Rosetta

_**[[Well... I promised my next one-shot wouldn't be depressing.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Professor Layton. He's totally Rosetta's b*tch... Or at least she wishes. ;) And you get to hear to her complain about it. Rated T for naughty language from Rosetta.]]**_

* * *

The Woes of Being Rosetta Stone

Gee, its way too crowded in here. Those freshmen need to shove off... Oh, were you, like, saving this seat for someone? Tough, 'cause it's mine now. I've been running around campus in these new designer heels— which _look_ gorgeous but really hurt. My feet are killing me. I definitely have to get a pedicure later...

HEY! Don't think I didn't see you roll your eyes just then!

Look, I've had a REALLY crappy day, okay? I'm quite entitled to complain about it.

First of all... Wait, hold that thought a second, I need a drink.

_Excuse me, waitress? I'll have a skinny mocha over here...I don't CARE if that crazy dude with the clown haircut was next! Just bring me my mocha and make it snappy, or there'll be NO generous tip for you!_

Where was I...? So, first of all, I'm the most gorgeous girl at Gressenheller. I've got great hair, nice clothes, flawless skin, a figure to die for... People are always giving me compliments; even strangers I've never met before or losers who don't like me.

Second, I'm smart. I know it's hard to believe with how pretty I am and everything. But devastating good looks can be deceiving. I'm actually _very_ passionate when it comes to studying. That's right; I've got beauty and brains, baby.

And third, I could bag _any man_ that I wanted. It's _true_! Every guy in this room would fall for me if they had the chance. 'Cause of this, I've made a bit of a reputation for myself. It's not MY fault other girls are jealous of me. They should keep a better eye on their boyfriends instead of accusing me of being a slut.

Besides the last part, my life sounds pretty good, doesn't it? You're probably wondering what the hell my problem is... Well, here goes: I'm completely in love with this man... but I think he's scared of me. He never looks directly at me in class, even when I'm trying to get his attention. And he always excuses himself before I have the chance to speak with him properly.

Huh? Who is he?

Only England's most famous gentleman, Professor Layton, duh!

God, there's no need for that disapproving glare. He may be my archaeology professor but he's only, like_, _fifteen years older than me... alright, _sixteen_. Honestly though, you'd think he's way younger than that. He's so tall and handsome with his deep dark eyes (much fitter than some of the professors that literally look like they're from the prehistoric age). Everyone's sure he's hiding abs under that orange shirt. I keep trying to get a glimpse but he hardly EVER takes his coat off.

Not only is Professor L sex on a stick, he's refined, hardworking and intelligent. How many perfect men like that can you find in the world? They're _extremely_ rare. That's why you have to hook the best ones before they get away.

And believe me; plenty of ladies (and a few guys) are after Professor Layton. There's even an official _Professor Layton Puzzlebook Page_, made by yours truly. It already has over two thousand likes, a million posts, hundreds of pictures...

Uh, it's not creepy AT ALL. Just because I like taking pictures of him on my phone does _NOT_ make me a stalker. The papers are filled with photos of the professor and nobody minds them.

Dammit, look what you made me do— I've lost my train of thought now!

Let's see... Oh yeah, my dilemma...

This morning I went to have my weekly private study session with Professor L... Well, it was _meant_ to be private_. _Before I'd thought there was nothing more annoying than that little half-pint that used to hang around the _"Professah!" _

I was wrong.

Professor L brought his teenage daughter along to join us in his office. Oh. My. Friggin'. God. She has got to be the most irritating, whiny girl on Earth. The brat kept interrupting our lesson to see if we wanted any of her _"famous cucumber sandwiches". _(Insert horribly high pitched squeaky voice here.) I considered shoving those sandwiches down her throat just to make her shut up.

Anyway, between the _interruptions _I kept trying to show the professor that we would be perfect for each other. But either he doesn't notice when I flirt with him... or he politely ignores me.

...Kind of like how YOU'RE ignoring me now. Don't sit there sipping your coffee, _listen_ to me!

Now that I have your attention, what do you think I should do? I've never been rejected by a guy before...

Huh? _Back off?_ Oh, you mean give Professor L some space...?

Hmm... I guess I see what you mean. Subtlety might be a better approach to the professor's heart. It'll be hard not to stick out in his lectures, you know, with how attractive I am, but I'll give it a shot.

Hey, are you _leaving?_ Fine then, go to class. You're no help anyway.

Just you wait. As soon as Professor L isn't so scared of me, he'll totally want to hook up.

Yes, he _will._ You'll see. No man can resist Rosetta Stone.


	2. Shopping with Rosetta

_**[[Wow, was I shocked when I received 17 reviews for a one-shot... Thanks guys! Who knew Rosetta had so many fans? On request, I've decided to do more chapters dealing with Rosetta.]] **_

* * *

_Thank goodness the weekend is finally here. You've had a busy time in university lately because of back to back classes, boring lectures and a barrage of overdue assignments. To chill out, you decide to treat yourself by spending the day at the local shopping centre. What you didn't count on was Rosetta Stone being there as well..._

* * *

Hey, you! Wait up—!

Why were you about to dash inside the hardware store? It looked like you were trying to avoid me or something... Never mind.

Good thing I finally caught you 'cause I've got a bone to pick, noob! Remember that "advice" you gave me the other day about winning Professor Hershel Layton's heart? Well guess what, genius— it totally HASN'T WORKED.

As you suggested, I tried acting real, _subtle _towards Professor L. I was quiet during class, I actually _paid attention_ instead of constantly staring at him, I didn't bug him after he'd finished teaching, and when we had our private lesson, I didn't even bother putting the moves on him. (Believe me; if I _had _bothered he would've been all over me.) I thought he'd at least comment about how well I was behaving. But _no_— he just smiled at me politely like he usually does. (Okay, _maybe _he seemed a little less uncomfortable me. But he didn't show even the slightest bit of romantic interest.) I wasted all that effort being _subtle_ for nothing.

_What do you mean "Not my problem"? Of course it's YOUR problem._ _FIX IT ALREADY!_

*Sigh...* I'm getting worked up again... See this is why I come shopping, it's a break from my horribly stressful life.

Fine, sorry I yelled at you. But this _IS_ kind of your fault, so you have to help. Any other bright ideas how I can get the professor to fall madly in love with me?

"_Try plastic surgery"...? _I'm SERIOUS!

_Huh? _Yeah, I guess I _could_ buy a new outfit to impress him... But the last time I wore a sexy black cocktail dress to class, the professor refused to even glance in my direction. Hmm...There were some cute school-girl costumes for sale in the Fancy Dress Store... You know, with a tie, a loose white shirt and a pleated short skirt? It'd make me appear, like, totally sophisticated and shit. Plus, I bet Professor L would dig a girl in uniform.

That settles it then. We're going to the Fancy Dress Store. Uh, _duh_, of course you're coming. _Someone_ has to tell me how good I look in that costume. And if you're lucky, maybe I'll lend you my credit card later.

* * *

___So much for a relaxing day— you spent the entire afternoon watching Rosetta try on clothes in front of the shop mirror. On the positive side, you probably made her bankrupt with all the random junk you bought on her credit card. _


	3. Makeovers with Rosetta

_Phew, what an evening... You finally enter your room, drop your bag on the floor, and flop onto the bed with a weary sigh. The last hours of your life have been dedicated to studying your butt off at Gressenheller library for an important exam tomorrow. All you need now is a good night's sleep so you'll be fit for the test. You close your eyes and sink your head into the pillows. However, before you can drift off to sleep there's an obnoxiously loud banging at your door..._

* * *

_*Knock, knock, knock.* _

Heeelloooo! Anyone home...?

_*KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNO—*_

It's about time you opened up. It's rude to keep people waiting out in the hallway. Move— I'm coming inside. Uh-huh, so this is where you live. Not very fancy, is it? You could use some redecorating and a lick of paint...

_What?_ Why d'you look so freaked out? Oh, is it 'cause I found out where your room was? Hey, I told you I am NOT a creepy stalker! I just have...connections. Yeah, that's right. If anything interesting happens in this place, I'm always the first one to get the gossip.

Anyway, I wanted to see you. Sure, it might be a little late but this is super important.

Remember that cute school girl outfit I bought in town? I wore it to class the other day and Professor Layton totally blushed when he saw me. (He is _so_ cute when he's flustered!) You weren't completely useless when it came to choosing clothes, so I figured you could, like, help me with my makeup as well. Normally I'd just go to the beauty parlour but it's closed at this time. (And I'm running low cash on at the moment 'cause _someone _wasted all the money on my credit card.)

Here's my makeup kit— I've got the best mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow, foundation, blusher, lip gloss, nail varnish and everything. And here's my GHD staighteners.

Well don't just _stand _there, _make me look pretty_. I know that'll be difficult considering how beautiful _I already am, _but you'll manage. You can start by painting my nails...

* * *

_Rosetta eventually leaves you in peace— at three o'clock in the bloody morning. After you've done her nails, eyes, face and hair you kick her out and slam the door behind her. You double lock it and check the windows are bolted shut in case Rosetta gets any crazy ideas about shimming up the drain pipe. Great, you're probably going to fall asleep during the big test tomorrow... _

_But at least you got to make Rosetta look like a circus clown with her makeup. _


	4. Reconnaissance with Rosetta

_**[[I kinda made Rosetta have a meltdown... Whoops.]]**_

* * *

_You're just on your way out of Gressenheller's main entrance; all is well. When suddenly, a perfectly manicured hand clamps over your mouth and drags you behind a wall. _**Oh crap**,_ you think as you realize who it is. The crazy chick has finally lost it. She must still be angry about the clown makeup thing. She's going to kidnap you, torture you, and no one will ever find your body...!_

* * *

...Shhhhh—! STFU, will you? Calm down, it's _me_! Right, I'm gonna let go now _only _if you promise to keep quiet, okay...? There. (Ewww, noob saliva on my palm...)

Hey, get back here or _they'll _see us!

_Who d'you think?_ Professor Layton and that lady in the ugly yellow trench coat. They're literally right _there _by his car.

I did some digging around and I think her name's _Emmy Altava— _the professor's previous assistant. She used to follow him on his adventures everywhere. She's been away for a while but she just got back... This is TERRIBLE!

_Yes, it is!_ Do you not notice how comfy the professor is around her? She just _hugged _him!

That bitch. Trying to steal _my _man.

What does he even _see _in her? I'm way better than that tomboy. Sure, they have history together, and admittedly she isn't completely unfortunate looking...

Think of something_, quick! _I need to win the professor's heart back somehow.

Omigod, what if he's already asked her to MARRY him?! And what if she has _MY _CHILDREN a-and she calls _them_ _Hershel Jr., Ed-Jacob, _and _Primrose Layton?!_

I'm totally _not_ freaking out. Not freaking out. Not freaking...

FUUUUUUUUUUUU-!

* * *

_The thought of seeing her beloved professor with another woman has broken Rosetta. Before you can stop her, she's running after the blissfully unaware Layton and Emmy with a manic glint in her eye. You wonder if you should warn the professor and his former assistant... But then again, it's probably wiser (and safer) not to come between a raging Rosetta and her man. You decide to hurry on your way..._

_Little do you know of the chaos Rosetta will cause later. _


	5. A Date with Rosetta (Part 1)

_**[[This chapter's going be a little different from the last few because I need to describe the date but I don't think Rosetta's "voice" offers enough description. Yes, I did just say date. Unfortunately, Rosetta's confidant won't be accompanying her tonight because she doesn't want them to see her going batsh*t crazy. (Who would listen to her complain otherwise?). It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I'm shamelessly including an OC. *Shot* ]]**_

* * *

_You glance up from your desk when your mobile starts buzzing. An unexplainable wave of paranoia suddenly washes over you, but you brush it aside and pick up the phone. You've received one text from an unknown number. Suspicious, you select the message and begin to read. Your jaw drops when you realize who the sender is._

"Hey noob, its Rosetta

If u're wonderin, I got ur number off a dude in ur class. I think his name's Jason— u sit next 2 him or somethin? Thn he tried 2 ask me out, but I told him I've already got a d8 tonight. (He looks kinda gross anyway.) I wasn't lying either— I totally hv a d8 2nite!

No, it isn't Professor L :( He's goin 2 a restaurant wiv that manwhore Emmy Altava. Coincidently, I'm goin 2 the exact same restaurant wiv this guy from my archaeology class. Hehehe. Not only will I be spyin on them, but the Prof will see I hav my own date and he'll get totally jealous. It'll be just like wen Jacob sees Bella wiv Edward and he fights for her affections ;)

Gtg now, wish me luck! xx"

_Sighing, you turn your phone off and toss it down the toilet. You decide to buy a new mobile with a completely different number. (And kill Jason for handing out your private details to strange girls.)_

* * *

Rosetta Stone drummed her scarlet nails against the chequered tabletop. She'd found out Professor Layton and Emmy Altava would be dining at this local pizzeria tonight. Couldn't they have picked a fancier restaurant? Despite looking gorgeous in her gaudy strapless red dress and stiletto heels, Rosetta seemed completely out of place here. Oh, well. She didn't care if people stared. At least the professor wouldn't be able to miss her.

By comparison, her date was underdressed for the evening: he simply wore a black jumper and grey jeans. Honestly, he wasn't bad looking (better than that Jason guy who hit on her earlier, anyway), just a little... demure for Rosetta's usual tastes. And his hair was a weird colour. _Silver, really?_ _Who the hell had naturally silver hair? _Next she'd be seeing people with _purple _hair.

Rosetta tried to recall her companion's name. What was it again? She was sure it was _Archie _or something along those lines... Not that it really mattered. Archie was always silent during Professor Layton's lectures, but he acted friendly enough outside of class. She'd decided he'd do for this evening after he complimented her eyes today. He didn't seem to be head over heels for her, just polite, which was good. (At least Rosetta wouldn't have to worry about breaking his heart later.)

If Rosetta had come alone, it would've looked far too suspicious. This way Professor L wouldn't suspect anything. And the best part was the professor would notice her sitting with another guy; he'd get so envious that he'd ditch the Altava whore for Rosetta. Then Rosetta would forever be known as Mrs Layton. Her plan was foolproof, genius.

All she needed now was for her teacher to show up.

They'd been waiting a whole fifteen minutes already. An irritatingly perky waitress skipped over to their table. Archie asked Rosetta what she would like to eat. She offered a grunt in reply. He ordered her a salad and a pizza for himself. The dumb waitress beamed at the not-so-happy couple and skipped off to fetch their food.

Rosetta picked at her meal (it was the worst salad she'd _ever_ tasted), ignoring Archie's attempts to break the awkward silence between them.

"Uh, so... What are your interests besides archaeology?"

Rosetta stabbed a tomato slice. Her response was unhelpfully blunt. "There's nothing I'm more passionate about than archaeology."

"...Okay, then. Well, I'm personally interested in art..."

The pizzeria's front door swung open. And then finally— _thank God_— Professor Layton arrived. To Rosetta, the professor always looked dashing, so she could forgive his casual, everyday attire. But how _dare_ Emmy Altava not make _any _effort with her outfit when she was on a date with the most amazing man in England. The brunette had retained her disgusting lemon trench coat and combat boots._ What, was she raised in a barn or something?!_

Unbelievably, the professor hadn't noticed Rosetta yet. He led Emmy over to a booth by the window. Rosetta swore under her breath. She'd have to catch his attention somehow...

She turned back to Archie and suddenly burst out laughing at whatever boring thing he'd just said. "_HAHAHA! _YOU ARE, LIKE, _SO_ FUNNY, ARTY!"

Her date winced due to the odd stares they received from the other patrons. He muttered, "Its _Archie_—"

_Yes! _At _last _the professor and Emmy were looking in their direction. Rosetta wrapped her arm around Archie's and yanked the poor boy to his feet. Grinning, she dragged her date over to the professor's booth, parading him like a show dog.

"Hi, Professor L," Rosetta gushed. "Fancy seeing _you_ here!"

Emmy shot Layton a quizzical glance. The professor coughed, "Erm, good evening, Miss Stone... and Mr Pendrake. What brings you two here?"

"Ernie and I—"

"_Archie_,_" _the professor and Archie corrected.

"—we're on a _date _together!" Rosetta flaunted the obvious fact.

"How... nice," Emmy supplied. "We'll let you both get on with it _in peace_, then—"

Disregarding Emmy's clear dismissal, Rosetta suggested with a cry, "Hey, I have a great idea. Let's DOUBLE DATE!"

"_What?" _Layton, Emmy and Archie asked simultaneously. But Rosetta was already shoving Archie into the red leather seat next to Emmy, and snuggling up to the professor on the opposite side of the booth.

"Isn't this nice?" Rosetta purred.

Nobody answered her.


End file.
